Memories
by lalaloveli
Summary: Looking back on the memories Shunsui and Ukitake had, just as Ukitake is passing away. M/M. Character death.


_how the time passed away? all the trouble that we gave._

_and all those days we spent out by the lake._

Lightly tanned fingertips ghosted with a feather-like touch across his forehead, brushing to the side course white strands. The gentle rhythm of running water in both their ears, creating brilliant dreams in the one's mind who lay sleeping against his chest. It splashed carelessly against the rocks just by the edge, the water did, and the gentle breeze caused the rustling of leaves.

Tenderly, Shunsui's fingertips descended over the younger man's face, gliding over pale white skin that was soft as a rose's petal or perhaps that of a baby's palm. His hand turned with silence and his knuckles slid smoothly over the other's cheek. He felt his lips curve in a gentle smile as yet another breeze passed them by, and finally a sort of sunrise had came to them, taking away a bit of the shadow that had laid itself over Jūshirō's face.

They were still so young, so in love, just in the Academy days. But they were also so sure, so courageous, and so ignorant to the rest of the world. Everything they wanted, everything they needed, they felt they could have in each other. It was just so simple.

_has it all gone to waste? all the promises we made._

_one by one they vanish just the same._

"Kyōraku-taichou," Nanao spoke so softly. So sympathetically. Her tone in any other instant would have been that of irritancy, simply to make him wake up faster. This time however, she had tears in her eyes as she spoke. "Taichou." She said again.

He felt a yawn coming forth just as he spoke, "Yes, Nanao-chan?" He asked. His own typical, sing-song voice was not in place. He knew well that the person he was closest to had been in the emergency medical unit for quite some time. His friend had asked him to please go, to please get his rest, as he'd been sitting with him for hours on end. And he had smiled at him, no matter how weak or how difficult it was or may have been, Jūshirō had smiled. So he'd done just as he'd said. He had went to his usual spot on the roof, and fell asleep though uneasily.

"You…" She reminded herself to breathe, pushing her glasses up, straightening her shoulders and she stood up properly after taking her hand that had once been on his shoulder, away. "…You should go to see Ukitake-taichou." She swallowed, closed her eyes. In one arm she held a notebook against her chest and although she would normally be easily holding it, at this moment her fingers were clenching themselves against the side of it, knuckles fading white.

Struck with a sudden panic, Shunsui glanced up at Nanao's face, pleading consciously for her to be smiling, joking, anything. Anything, despite how cruel it could have been. But she was not. She had tears in her red-rimmed eyes, and a quivering smile held just for him.

A n instant fear halted his breathing, and both hands now clenching the surface of the roof remained unnoticed by even himself.

Nanao lifted a hand to her mouth and swallowed, her eyes closing tightly, words coming out in a breathless gasp,

"Go see him, Kyōraku-taichou."

_of all the things i still remember._

_summer's never looked the same._

"Well, I think you're working too hard, Jū-chan." Shunsui tried on a serious tone, but he had a playful smile painted over his lips.

"Shunsui, there's no such thing as working too hard." Jūshirō turned his head over his shoulder, a gentle happiness in his eyes and in his own smile. "But there _is _such thing as slacking." He lifted one hand, the other arm holding a few books against his chest, and pointedly aimed his finger at Shunsui, laughing lightly.

The days were unbearably hot that summer, but that could never keep them from holding close to each other. Together they walked down the cement path of the Academy, Jūshirō just a few feet ahead of Shunsui as he playfully followed behind the white-haired teenager. Around the courtyard there were large tree's and there were picnic tables, perhaps a fountain as well, but they walked in the sun, simply because with each other, it never seemed to matter the degree or the weather.

"Are you saying that _I'm _a slacker, Jū?" He questioned, stepping a bit closer, just behind Jūshirō. His smile slipped further up his face, eyes lighting up with happiness as they always did when he was with him.

Jūshirō stopped in his steps and turned sideways, allowing his head to turn back again to look at Shunsui with a smile, "Not at all, I'm just saying that sleeping all day out in a field instead of being in class isn't always the best method of learning- !"

Shunsui bumped into his back, grasping his shoulders and turning him around immediately but with ease as well. He was just so smooth. "Or cramming the night before tests either, right?" His smile was Cheshire-like now.

Jūshirō laughed and lifted his free hand to Shunsui's cheek, gently caressing the lightly tanned skin with his contrasting pale fingertips, "Right." He gave Shunsui a teasing look, and turned, walking off. He'd brushed Shunsui's hands off his shoulders in a playful manner.

"Ah!" He shouted, he'd tripped, his face being the first to hit the cement just before anything else, his books thereafter in front of him. He'd attempted to catch himself, but only skinned the heels of his palms in the process.

"Jū!" Shunsui instantly ran over to his friend, falling to his knees beside him. He grasped one of Jūshirō's small wrists and gently rolled him to his back. Jūshirō's opposite hand lifted, carefully touching his fingertips against the small, rounded scrape that had been torn onto his cheek. He opened his eyes and released a slightly pained breath. Spite all of it though, he lifted his sight to Shunsui and smiled, no matter the pain.

"I'm… I'm okay." He breathed quietly, hearing Shunsui release an audible sigh of relief. Now Shunsui smiled with him, hesitant however, but still it was – comfortingly – there.

Shunsui allowed his hand to glide from Jūshirō's wrist, up to his hand and there he entwined their fingers. He leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on Jūshirō's fingertips that touched against the scrape, and then yet another on the scrape itself.

"Shunsui…" Jūshirō leaned closer, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek and was returned with a chaste kiss on the lips. He smiled a bit more now, a soft, kind, caring smile. A loving smile.

Shunsui was smiling too.

_the years go by and time just seems to fly._

_but the memories remain._

Tanned fingers clenched his forehead, brushing over the strands of dark brown, messing them up without a care when normally he'd try to keep himself neater. Neater for other people; neater for Jūshirō.

"Jūshirō…" He breathed, forcing himself to take in yet another breath as he walked to the medical unit. He should be rushing, but he was also in no hurry to feel the tears that would meet his eyes when he saw his friend, when he heard the news. "…Fight for me. For us. You can't leave us yet… You just can't."

He forced his hand away from his forehead and opened emotion-filled eyes to look forward, noting how he was almost there. He had the itching urge to run, to even use flash-steps just to get there faster, to hold his hand, to plead him to stay, no to go, to fight for him, for everyone, for everything. Even if fighting would give him just five more minutes – to please just do it. Please just fight, Jūshirō.

"Please just fight." He whispered, forcing himself to intake another breath before he began running both willingly… and unwillingly.

"Kyōraku-taichou," Unohana met him at the doorway the moment he shoved it open, catching it with a gentle hand. She was smiling, however she had a sort of sympathetic expression to her. "I'll take you to him." Her voice was soft, quiet almost. She knew how much it hurt Shunsui. She knew it hurt him more than anyone else. More than anything in the world.

She knew that Shunsui would rather die in a fight without pride, without any meaning or with every meaning in the world, than watch his best friend, what she had always inferred was also his lover, fade.

The moment they neared the door, there was a braying cough. The cough sounded as if there was something seeping into Jūshirō's chest, into every pore in his body. It sounded wet, bloody. Shunsui knew that it was.

He stopped at the door with Unohana, who had almost opened the door herself, but felt a larger, warmer hand touch her own. He squeezed it. She looked up to him for a moment, and she saw how he was looking down at their hands. How he was hurting. Then finally, he looked to her and he smiled, weak and wavering, just as Jūshirō had done for him all of those times.

He had been bracing himself.

Shunsui was not ready; Shunsui was convincing himself that he was.

_in the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain._

_nothing to lose but everything to gain._

"Woah, Jū! Wait-!" The pale, contrasting hand of Jūshirō squeezed Shunsui's, refusing to let it go. He was laughing, he was laughing so childishly, so happily. Jūshirō was in pure bliss, his hair having grown out now by at least a small bit but still noticeable, however they were coming close to graduating now.

"Sh, just let me!" Jūshirō yelled back at him, laughing again as he looked over his shoulder with joyful eyes and then glanced forward once more.

"But isn't it storming?" Shunsui whispered now, realizing they were running through the empty hallways at probably about two a.m. Everyone else, the normal people, were sleeping. They were running through the hallway, Jūshirō laughing all the way and Shunsui just _begging _to know where it was he was being taken to.

"I love the rain, Shunsui." His voice was softer now, almost as if his mind were in another place. And it quite was. He wanted to be with Shunsui, always. He wanted to be with him in one of his favored times. In the rain.

"You do now—?" He hardly had the time to reply before they were running through the large double doors and out into the darkness – out into the rain. It was a sudden cold, and they were drenched almost instantly. But Jūshirō loved it, despite how it could be so simple for him to get sick. So easy.

Still they ran, ran over the pavement, and through the field, past the picnic table and decorating trees. Ran until they were in a sort of solitude in a grassy field, way out past the Academy. Finally, Jūshirō stopped running. He stopped walking, and he pulled Shunsui close to him, placing his hands on his shoulders, squeezing, and running them, soaked, up Shunsui's neck. He stopped them on his cheeks and pulled his face close, pressing his lips against his in an instant of love.

Shunsui blinked and smiled, leaning close into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Jūshirō's waist, and pulling him against his front. They were so close, and creating the body warmth it would take to create health in Jūshirō instead of sickness despite being soaked in cold rain. Jūshirō pulled away, and he smiled, his eyes full of hope for the both of them, full of care for Shunsui, and love for him as well. His smile was just the same.

"Shunsui," He whispered quietly, leaning forward and pressing his lips gently against the corner of Shunsui's lips, and he closed his eyes happily, smiling once more, "I love you." He ran his fingertips over his smooth cheeks, caressing the lightly tanned skin, wondering what it was exactly that Shunsui was feeling for him. If it were the same, or would it be less – there was no way, he knew though, that it could be more. There was no way he could love him more than he loved him.

Shunsui ran delicate hands over Jūshirō's back, tracing his spine with his fingertips and bringing his hands to trace his sides and down them until they met his hips, where they gently took them in their grasp and pulled Jūshirō as close as possible once more.

"I love you, too." He whispered in reply, leaning forward and brushing his lips in a fragile manner over Jūshirō's jaw line, nipping at his ear and then down to his neck. He placed chaste kisses there in a place and another, and another. Jūshirō lifted his head quietly, running his fingertips up and through Shunsui's short but course strands of brown and stopped his hands on the back of his head.

"Do you swear?" Jūshirō smiled quietly, eyes closed peacefully.

Shunsui brought his head up, smiling as well, allowing his arms to slip around Jūshirō's waist and bring him flush against his body. He brought his lips just against Jūshirō's and looked him in the eyes with his own, the same look in both their eyes as Jūshirō opened his own –

love, passion, care, kindness, and hope.

"I swear."

_reflecting now on how things could've been._

_it was worth it in the end._

The door slid open without a sound, and no sound was needed to know what was just beyond it. The wet cough had ceased, however Shunsui felt the dread that it would be back as he was allowed to step through the door. He was staring directly, intensely, at the floor, trying terribly to keep the tears from his eyes. He had to take this. Had to.

"Shu-Shunsui…" He heard his lover's soft voice, so soft. So loving. "…You came back." Shunsui could hear the smile in his voice, the smile he wished would become the healthy ones, the ones that made Shunsui believe they could hold on to each other. Hold on to each other forever.

Shunsui reminded himself to breathe before he looked up, attempting the best smile he could dare, keeping the tears just beneath coming out into the open, "Of course I did." He released a quiet, almost inaudible laugh. _Of course I did. _

Jūshirō took the towel from his mouth, stained with splattered crimson, to reveal the smile that Shunsui had heard. His eyes still held that same expression of love they'd held so long ago.

Shunsui forced himself to breathe and walked over next to the cot in which Jūshirō was laying upon. He knelt beside it and took Jūshirō's free hand, clean of all blood, but he could feel it trembling. It almost seemed that Jūshirō was sick enough now to become unable to notice these things – such as his own trembling. Shunsui squeezed Jūshirō's hand and strived to keep the trembling from his own hand, now hands as he squeezed with both just seconds later.

"…Jūshirō," He whispered quietly, feeling the tears in his eyes that he'd struggled to erase which much difficulty. "How are you?" He asked him. Shunsui could remember a thousand and more times when he'd asked Jūshirō the same question, and he'd saw the other man smiling, telling him that – _Of course – _he was fine.

There was a soft click, the door being shut. They were alone.

Jūshirō smiled still, weak and feeble, but still he did and shook his head lightly, "I'm afraid that I—I," He forced himself to swallow quietly, his eyes pinching shut for that split moment in the pain he felt, "I'm not. Not this time." He released in a quiet breath.

Shunsui's mind was everywhere and nowhere. He was intensely concentrating at a moment, and then he would lose everything to the thought of Jūshirō dying here in front of his eyes. It was something he was unsure of how to take.

"Jūshirō," Shunsui swallowed, his throat tight, "Every time I look at you…"

"It's like the first time." Jūshirō finished, still smiling as his eyes softened further.

A choked laugh escaped Shunsui and he nodded, "Yes, it's… it's like the first time." He hadn't the slightest idea as to how tight he was squeezing Jūshirō's hand, but he did know that the streams of warmth over his cheeks were what he'd tried so strongly to keep from happening. He wanted to be strong in front of Jūshirō. He didn't want to cry – hurt him further. He was a man, but he was crying.

It didn't matter that he was a man. It didn't matter what he was, what he was doing, why he was here – all that mattered was that the tears were those for Jūshirō. He didn't want him to leave; he wanted him to fight. But he didn't want him to fight if it were going to hurt him.

"Do you… you remember when I took you out…" Jūshirō coughed, covering his mouth quickly. Only a moment of it there was, however, before he hesitantly, gradually, took the towel away. "…out into the rain, Shunsui?" He asked quietly, eyes showing just how tired he was. How tired his body was of fighting this. He'd been fighting this… and fighting this… for so long. This war against his lungs and the air he breathed.

Shunsui blinked, swallowed, that lump in his throat seeming to gradually grow larger with each passing moments, "…Yeah," He smiled, weak, and he felt pathetic – but he couldn't help it, "I do." He whispered in reply as he leaned forward, pressing his lips to Jūshirō's cheek. He allowed them to stay there for what felt like forever, but reality broke between his mind again, and he forced himself to take his lips away.

Jūshirō laughed lightly, "We… We kissed for what felt…" He forced a swallow, "…what felt like hours." He whispered, eyes lighting dimly with happiness. He sighed blissfully and turned his palm inside Shunsui's hands, managing to squeeze his as his own was squeezed tightly. "That was one of the happiest moments of my life, Shunsui."

Shunsui was still smiling, no matter how pitiful as he stood up just enough to sit himself on the bed. He shifted Jūshirō around and finally sat him in his lap, his own back against the bright white walls of the small room he was given. He wrapped his arms around his waist, just as he had when they'd sat at the lake when they were younger, and then again recently. Shunsui buried his nose in white silk and closed his eyes tightly, his hands tight around one of Jūshirō's. Finally, he spoke again.

"Mine too, Jūshirō." He whispered, bringing his lips down to nip lightly at the lower part of Jūshirō's ear. His eyes were still closed so tightly. He could hardly stand this, stand all of this. Knowing that this may be about to end – everything. Life without Jūshirō was a life not worth living. They had spent most of their lives together, how could one live without the other whether it be by friends or lovers?

Gently, Jūshirō's head rested against Shunsui's chest, tilted upward so as he could place a gentle kiss just on the lower half of his neck. Jūshirō closed his eyes with ease, and took in a deep breath.

Shunsui felt himself tense. Jūshirō's voice was easy, quiet. Gentle.

"I love you, Shunsui."

The tenseness fell quiet, and he tightened his eyes further,

"I love you too, Jūshirō."

_now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear._

_so we made our way by finding what was real._

The lake was older, though just as peaceful as was the foresting tree's that surrounded it, and the way the breeze ghosted over them was as well. There was not much of a change from then and now, however they both knew that at both times they had done this same thing, they had both felt as if time could just stop – and they could be with each other in simple bliss, together, forever.

Jūshirō was so sure that he could fight the disease as long as he possibly could, until the last moment when he would take a breath, and Shunsui would be there with him – wherever it would be – and they would be together. Perhaps they would never die together, or perhaps they would. Perhaps he would die in the medical room, or in a battle. But he knew without a doubt that Shunsui would always be there for him, no matter the consequences or what was going on at the time. Shunsui had promised him that several times, spite that Jūshirō didn't need the promise. He knew.

Shunsui's fingertips ghosted with a feather-like touch over Jūshirō's forehead, brushing with ease snow-white strands of hair to the side, bringing it to a perfect part as usual. He noted how Jūshirō looked so peaceful as he slept, and he knew this would always be something he thought of Jūshirō – just as he knew he would always be so deathly in love with him as he had been the moment he'd saw him.

Quietly, he turned his hand in remembrance to what he'd done so many years ago, and slid his knuckles just over the skin of Jūshirō's cheek. Shunsui kept his hand there as he closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the tree. He allowed the gentle rush of lake water and the light, ghostly rustling of leaves to enter one ear, and quietly drift out of the other.

He relaxed, arms resting with ease now around Jūshirō's waist. He felt a tender intake of breath from the other in his lap, and then he heard the quiet exhale. Still he was sleeping.

Without another sound, Shunsui also drifted off into a peaceful sleep – knowing that he was living for each moment, rather than the future.


End file.
